Movie Review: Bloodlines (2007)

It’s just one of those weeks. I don’t have much interest in going to the theaters to watch anything. If only I were important enough to get screeners to the summer blockbusters. Instead, I get access to the bottom of the barrel flicks — flicks like Bloodlines. I guess I can’t complain though, I managed to watch this in the comfort of my recliner with a cold brew in my hands. Apparently it’s the only way to actually watch this movie; to watch it any other way would be a crime against humanity.

And why you ask, would I put Bloodlines on the same shelf as someone like Slobodan Milošević? Because I’m in a particularly bad mood after watching this movie. I’m a big fan of independent films that give a shot to up and coming writers, directors and actors, but I’m a bigger fan of movies made right. Unfortunately, Bloodlines doesn’t even come close to getting it right. Here’s why, in the order of importance.

• No nudity. Let me rephrase that, nearly no nudity. I believe, there were two, count them, two tit scenes. That my friends, is unacceptable. Low budget horror movies starring hot girls in compromising positions should be filled to the brim with nakedness. I actually believe that should be made into a law.
• Lack of acting prowess. As I said before, I’m a big proponent of giving people their chance, but I really have to ask the casting directors what the fuck were they looking at? There isn’t a single person in Bloodlines with a lick of skill. Absolutely no emotion or inflection in peoples voices. They’re all monotoned robots. If you’re going to cast people who shouldn’t be cast, then you must insist on the first bullet point.

That being said, I was actually impressed with the concept and some of the ideas put forth in Bloodlines. Yes, I know the overall concept of backwoods folks needing to rejuvenate their genealogy due to widespread inbreeding isn’t wildly original (see The Hills Have Eyes II), but it’s still an interesting premise. What I especially liked was the female fight pit, setting girl against girl in a survival of the fittest battle. After all, it is important to breed with the strongest of the species. I’m also a fan of presenting a myriad of ways to inflict harm to people. Bloodlines comes up a few creative ways to use arrows and deer antlers as weapons.

From a personal standpoint, I would have liked to see more focus on the deranged Hackford family. What made them tick and how did they get to their situation? Also, the movie needed to be much more graphic to put it over the top. More gruesome deaths and perhaps a brutal rape or two come to mind — the possibilities are practically endless. For a B-grade horror flick with a very limited budget, Bloodlines does well enough to entertain, yet it could have been so much more. Proceed with low expectations.

About: General Disdain I love long walks on the beach, candlelit dinners and I'm a sucker for women named Helga. What can I say -- I live for the finer things in life!