Author Archive
Movie Review: The Purge (2013)
Crime’s hit an all-time low in The Purge, but the neighbors of James Sandin (Ethan Hawke, “Sinister”) are still scrambling for one of his signature security systems, which promises to turn any home into an impenetrabl...
Movie Review: Hansel & Gretel: Witch Hunters (2013)
In my high school days, I wrote a script about a hitman who does drugs with Jesus. I thought it was edgy. Fortunately, you’ll never see it to know otherwise. Occasionally though, juvenile ideas like that land on the desks of ...
Movie Review: The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey (2012)
When I’m not in the bathroom painting the porcelain canvas, I’m waging war with the Cyclops. But while Jackson’s adaptation of J.R.R. Tolkien’s famous novel lacks one-eyed beasts, it’s no doubt masturbator...
Movie Review: The Expendables 2 (2012)
The Expendables 2 is the Brazzers of explosion porn. The critical backlash surrounding its predecessor, “The Expendables” — an experiment in how many washed-up stars you can manage into a single film — d...
Movie Review: Total Recall (2012)
What is real? Some believe it’s everything we can obverse through our natural senses. Others think we’re living a computer simulation. All I know is that, whether real or not, Total Recall, Len Wiseman’s (who...
