Fap fap fap fap. Whirrrrrrr. Fap fap fap fap. Whirrrrrr. I’m not going to explicitly tell you what those sounds represent. What I will tell you is they go in conjunction with what men, ages 18 to 50, will do when they catch a glimpse of a naked Jessica Biel in the straight to DVD film Powder Blue. That’s right, I said naked, boys and girls. 7th Heaven is nothing more than a distant memory now.
Sadly, though, pervs around the world will have to endure 107 minutes of self absorbed mediocrity to enjoy one minutes worth of tits. Oh the lengths men will go through . . .
She plays Rose Johnny, a.k.a. Scarlett, a topless stripper at Wild Velvet, the local seedy strip club. As you may have guessed, she suffers from the same personal problems every stripper you’ve met has — she has daddy issues, a drug problem, she’s looking for love and degrades herself to pay for medical bills for her comatose son. Okay, maybe the comatose son doesn’t fit the normal bill of goods, but writer/director Timothy Linh Bui felt his movie needed an added level of complexity to it because, you know, a film about four strangers crossing paths isn’t complex enough.
There is Jack Doheny (Ray Liotta), an ex-con trying to reconnect with his family before the reaper pays him a visit. Charlie (Forest Whitaker) is an ex-priest going through the gamut of, “Why did you do this to me God?” feelings after the death of his wife. Qwerty Doolittle, yes Qwerty Doolittle (Eddie Redmayne) is a socially awkward mortician with financial problems.
And, as I mentioned, they all pretty much meet at some point in Powder Blue. Not in a natural way, mind you, but in one of those scripted, over dramatic, made for television kind of ways. Apparently, Linh Bui needed to drive home the fact that everybody — no matter what their standing in life is — copes with loss and wants, some dealing with them in unexpected and pathetic ways.
Ms. Biel, of course, finds herself in the middle of most of the action and, to her credit, she acts her heart out. It’s nothing remotely worthy from the Academy, but she really tries to get into the role’s mindset and make something of the complex character she’s been given. Terrible writing, directing and off the wall pretenses ensure nothing she does can come off as serious though. Everyone is pretty much plagued with the same problem. Everyone, that is, except Forest Whitaker, Patrick Swayze and Alejandro Romero. Good writing or bad writing — Whitaker proves he can over-act with either, however it comes across especially bad here (just like it did in Street Kings). Didn’t you win an Oscar? Swayze, as Velvet Larry, the owner of the club, and Romero, as a tranny named Lexus both ham it up for the camera in their blonde wigs and super tight clothes. Swayze looks like he’s having the time of his life, Romero just doesn’t know any better; both are funny because of it.
Even with the draw of a finally topless Biel, it’s clear why a theatrical release for Powder Blue was scrapped. I suspect it’ll make a mint from DVD sales because of her, it’s just a shame her bare breasts were wasted on this project. Do yourself a favor and wait for the naked screen captures or youtube videos of her wax infused dance scenes — no one should have endure a conspicuously bad movie just for some T & A.