High-heeled shoes and cigarettes are the stars of the diamond heist snoozer Flawless. Cigarette’s performance is smokin’ but it couldn’t save the movie from its ridiculously illogical and uneven script or from the likes of the other performances. Flawless? — there couldn’t be a worse name for this movie.
London Diamond Company owns the diamond trade all over the world. Rotund, greedy diamond executives keep the entire supply of diamonds in the vault in the basement. Laura Quinn (Demi Moore), assisted by her sidekicks Cigarette (Marlboro Light) and High-heel (Jimmy Choo), is a negotiation manager who gets passed over numerous times for a better job. After the last time she got passed up, Mr. Hobbs (Michael Caine), the night janitor, offers her the opportunity to stick it to the man by stealing a thermos full of diamonds. What Laura Quinn doesn’t know will hurt her.
To call the writing in Flawless atrocious would be like calling Bill Gates a man of comfortable wealth. The character Laura Quinn is the stupidest smart woman in the history of cinema. Smart enough to see hidden negotiating tactics waiting to be deployed but such a simpleton she couldn’t see the writing on the wall. I think I actually got a new wrinkle from crinkling my eyebrows at her bizarre behavior.
The heist itself reminded me of an old duck caring for kittens while making sausage in a toilet on a space station; utterly nonsensical. In fairness, all diamond-casino-bank heist movies try to implement the ridiculous to make the story exciting by asking us to think outside the box (i.e., Ocean’s Thirteen). Flawless doesn’t ask us to think outside the box, it just lights the box on fire with the audience inside, cruelly leaving us to burn in fiery cinematic damnation. Writer Edward Anderson deserves to eat duck-kitten-toilet-space-sausage for what he has done to my sensibilities.
Demi Moore performed like a crying two year old having a tantrum because she wants a cookie. Her crocodile tears were cause for unrestrained laughter. She was one step from putting the back of her hand on her forehead and sighing as she collapses on her fainting couch. I spent a great deal of the “film” wondering if she had ever acted before and then remembering that she is Demi Moore and she had no excuse for such an amateur quality performance.
Michael Caine isn’t nearly as terrible. I believe he does his best to give the character warmth and sincerity. I believe his worst decision was agreeing to portray any character in Flawless, but more specifically Mr. Hobbs. Mr. Hobbs strives to be a character of depth and complexity but is just a minnow in a wading pool. He only seems deep until you realize a minnow is tiny.
I don’t know if director Michael Radford and cinematographer Richard Greatrex are extremely fond of cigarettes and women walking away in high heels but I suspect they are. Nearly half of the movie takes place while a cigarette is being smoked or lit. Thirty percent is dedicated to Demi Moore’s rump walking away, always starting from her shoes and working up to a wide shot showing her figure. It is no surprise the movie Hoovers a bowling ball, only twenty percent is dedicated to plot or character development.
Given the choice between watching this movie again or have sandpaper repeatedly drug through my anal cavity, I’d gladly bend over. Please save yourself — don’t see Flawless. The world seems much gloomier now that I have.
March 28, 2008 @ 3:58 pm Walt
You make it sound like it is a bad thing that Demi Moore is being objectified once again (I admittedly own Striptease on DVD). When was the last time Demi Moore was taken seriously? A Few Good Men? That was 15 years or so ago. Its her “assets” that get her work these days…
Good review, by the way. :)
March 28, 2008 @ 9:50 pm Bill
The movie is so bad that you’d prefer to have sandpaper dragged through your ass repeatedly? That’s hardcore, brother.
March 30, 2008 @ 8:52 am Anthony
Hilarious review! I think I might have to see this just to see if having sandpaper wedged in my ass is a better experience!
October 21, 2009 @ 11:58 am Leo
I dont agree…i think u were so bz demeaning a woman in high heel n ciggs that u didnt giv urself enuf time to think why shez so smart n stupid at the same time…she isnt stupid. laura quinn values morals and ethics as they were in the 1960s(which u obviously lack if u dont see them) n what Mr Hobbs did was retribution for his loving wife. who cudve still lived if not for the upper class hotshots refusing them their money. I do agree the writer cudve been more creative with the whole stealing-diamond act..but other than that it was a pretty good movie. Its too bad u dont have the commonsense of understanding it let alone critisize it.
Go Watch It Again And This Time See The Whole Movie Instead Of Glueing Your Eyes To Demi’s High Heels (Sexy Legs) and Smoking(XXX Lips).
May 27, 2010 @ 11:27 am Jo
Overall a great film and definitely worth watching.
It’s currently the movie of the month on Projector.tv
Pretty good deal for everyone who hasn’t seen the movie yet or who wants to re-watch it!