Movie Review: Meet the Spartans (2008)

My God….is all I can muster after seeing Meet the Spartans. I even questioned the existence of God after watching this abomination. To call this a movie would be a complete raping of the word movie. To call it a bad movie makes me wish I spoke a different language, just so I would have more adjectives to describe this plague that I am now convinced is an offense to all that is holy. The only way to reaffirm my belief, is to have God or Zeus or anyone in the heavens with divine power strike these two “movie makers” (Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer) off the face of the earth.

To say the least, I did not laugh once during the abysmal 84 minutes that this turd of monumental proportions oozed its way out of the screen. I haven’t smiled since seeing this movie and its been hours. This movie shook me to my very core, in a way I believed no film ever could. To rely on such obvious and terrible jokes (Paris Hilton, Britney Spears and Lindsay Lohan gags are lame already) is something that I have not seen done so poorly since the last time I switched on MadTV. As a matter of fact, it came as no surprise to see several cast members of MadTV starring in Meet the Spartans. I guess the casting directors ran out of favors to call in, seeing as no real actors signed onto star in this (no Carmen Electra isn’t a real actress). Hercules must have rolled over in his grave when he saw who once represented him on screen (Kevin Sorbo) in a movie that featured projectile vomiting three times in the first 15 minutes of the running time.

At a certain point (about 8 minutes in) I believed that this horror could not get any worse – this proved to be a very costly mistake on my part. The geniuses behind the camera, haphazardly go from projectile vomiting to gay jokes to reality TV jokes (American Idol, America’s Next Top Model) and back again. And don’t get me started on the ten minute too long pit of death scene. This scene, touted as the funniest in the movie, was the dumbest and by far the most painful ten minutes I have ever experienced in my life. Uwe Boll, director of shit flicks like BloodRayne and Alone in the Dark, looks like a fucking visionary compared with this heaping load.

I wish I could be a little more descriptive about how bad this movie was, but I seem to be at a loss for words. 300 was ripe to be made fun of, but Meet the Spartans is by far the worst attempt at a parody movie I have ever come across in my 12+ years of watching movies for enjoyment. I pray for everyone that this is the absolute worst Hollywood can do. The fact that this movie made 18.5 million dollars in its opening weekend is despicable. Even more frightening is it guarantees another ass-blast similar to this one next year. Therefore, I implore you to not see this movie under any circumstances. It will scar you worse than any amount of physical or mental torture ever could.