Movie Review: Meet the Spartans (2008)

My God….is all I can muster after seeing Meet the Spartans. I even questioned the existence of God after watching this abomination. To call this a movie would be a complete raping of the word movie. To call it a bad movie makes me wish I spoke a different language, just so I would have more adjectives to describe this plague that I am now convinced is an offense to all that is holy. The only way to reaffirm my belief, is to have God or Zeus or anyone in the heavens with divine power strike these two “movie makers” (Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer) off the face of the earth.

To say the least, I did not laugh once during the abysmal 84 minutes that this turd of monumental proportions oozed its way out of the screen. I haven’t smiled since seeing this movie and its been hours. This movie shook me to my very core, in a way I believed no film ever could. To rely on such obvious and terrible jokes (Paris Hilton, Britney Spears and Lindsay Lohan gags are lame already) is something that I have not seen done so poorly since the last time I switched on MadTV. As a matter of fact, it came as no surprise to see several cast members of MadTV starring in Meet the Spartans. I guess the casting directors ran out of favors to call in, seeing as no real actors signed onto star in this (no Carmen Electra isn’t a real actress). Hercules must have rolled over in his grave when he saw who once represented him on screen (Kevin Sorbo) in a movie that featured projectile vomiting three times in the first 15 minutes of the running time.

At a certain point (about 8 minutes in) I believed that this horror could not get any worse – this proved to be a very costly mistake on my part. The geniuses behind the camera, haphazardly go from projectile vomiting to gay jokes to reality TV jokes (American Idol, America’s Next Top Model) and back again. And don’t get me started on the ten minute too long pit of death scene. This scene, touted as the funniest in the movie, was the dumbest and by far the most painful ten minutes I have ever experienced in my life. Uwe Boll, director of shit flicks like BloodRayne and Alone in the Dark, looks like a fucking visionary compared with this heaping load.

I wish I could be a little more descriptive about how bad this movie was, but I seem to be at a loss for words. 300 was ripe to be made fun of, but Meet the Spartans is by far the worst attempt at a parody movie I have ever come across in my 12+ years of watching movies for enjoyment. I pray for everyone that this is the absolute worst Hollywood can do. The fact that this movie made 18.5 million dollars in its opening weekend is despicable. Even more frightening is it guarantees another ass-blast similar to this one next year. Therefore, I implore you to not see this movie under any circumstances. It will scar you worse than any amount of physical or mental torture ever could.

Critical Movie Critic Rating:
1 Star Rating: Stay Away


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'Movie Review: Meet the Spartans (2008)' have 13 comments

  1. The Critical Movie Critics

    February 2, 2008 @ 8:09 am seth

    Don’t give up on God yet! We need his guidance more than ever-

  2. The Critical Movie Critics

    February 2, 2008 @ 9:52 am Tara

    You don’t need to learn a 2nd language to describe how bad this movie is.

    Here are some more adjectives you could have used:

    appalling, atrocious, awful, criminal, detestable, dreadful, ghastly, horrendous, lousy, poor, putrid, rotten, terrible, vile, yucky.

    I’ve got more if you need ’em.

  3. The Critical Movie Critics

    February 3, 2008 @ 7:24 am Sonic

    The turnoff was the pathetic product placements.

    Was I supposed to find Dentyne Ice and Gatorade commercials in the middle of the movie funny?

  4. The Critical Movie Critics

    February 4, 2008 @ 4:29 pm Northern Cali Squid

    OK, I think I can safely take this as a vote for “Don’t Bother”

    Cool, just to be mean maybe I’ll rent it for my teen age kids next time My wife and I go out for dinner. Gives us something to laugh about over the appetizers. :)

  5. The Critical Movie Critics

    February 4, 2008 @ 8:09 pm coolest asian in the universe

    I actually thought the movie was pretty decent.

  6. The Critical Movie Critics

    February 5, 2008 @ 12:14 am Wally Banners

    Hmm maybe its cause I’m old ,but didn’t you think it would madly suck before you saw it? I mean if the movie had been titled 3 guys and a donkey having sex, would you have gone in to see it? CPME ON MAN! WHAT DID YOU THINK YOU WERE GOING TO SEE? LOL

  7. The Critical Movie Critics

    February 5, 2008 @ 9:21 pm Phntmbanana

    I knew what I was going to see. How could I not? it was from the people who made epic movie and date movie. But riddle me this… When you step in shit you still call it shit whether you thought it was going to be shit or not doesn’t mean you still don’t say “God damn I just stepped in shit”

  8. The Critical Movie Critics

    February 8, 2008 @ 7:24 am Jaylen

    I can’t debate the fact the movie is bad but I have to admit I laughed my ass off during the Yo Momma segment.

    When Leonidas retorts with “Yo mommas so hairy, the only language she speaks is wookie” and starts doing the Chewbacca sounds, I pissed myself. Look for the clip on YouTube.

    • The Critical Movie Critics

      February 8, 2008 @ 6:26 pm General Disdain

      Jaylen »

      On a whole the movie sucked but it does have one or two scenes that are funny. The Chewey moment being one of them.

  9. The Critical Movie Critics

    February 8, 2008 @ 4:02 pm Halifax

    After reading all your comments I think I won`t see this movie.
    Better spend my time watching other.

    Thank you all, you save my time.

  10. The Critical Movie Critics

    February 11, 2008 @ 11:51 am soundtrackgeek

    “Uwe Boll, director of shit flicks like BloodRayne and Alone in the Dark, looks like a fucking visionary compared with this heaping load.”

    I hear the words, but i can’t believe it, surely not! If that sentence is true, then I must quickly run to my cave in the mountains, never to be seen again. I rue the day anything on this planet, in this universe becomes anything close to being as shit as the vile UB. Nay! It can’t be! I’m not ready yet!

    Ooh, by the way… I’ve listened to the soundtrack and it’s actually quite good.

  11. The Critical Movie Critics

    March 23, 2008 @ 8:11 pm jimbo

    this really is a shit film, epic movie was pretty crap, but THIS! trying too hard

  12. The Critical Movie Critics

    December 4, 2008 @ 8:16 pm ur all retards

    ha it was an awesome movie and if all u loosers stopped getting online and saying this movie is good and this movei is bad , maybe u would have a taste of how much money these people got for their movie . idiots

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