Movie Review: Armored (2009)

To be perfectly honest, I don’t think Armored ever had a chance of being a stellar action movie. Ah hell — I don’t think it had a chance of being much of anything. To come to that conclusion all I needed to see were these simple facts:

  • It starred the likes of Laurence Fishburne and Matt Dillon. Both of these guys have seen better days. Much better.
  • It was directed by Nimrà³d Antal, who in my opinion has yet to direct anything of worth. It doesn’t help that the movie was penned by a first time screenwriter either.
  • The movie was about robbing an armored car.

Even those couldn’t prepare me for what I saw. Armored is actually worse than I expected. The “action” sequences are pretty much non-existent. The “drama” sequences are comical, at best. The “characters” are sorely under-developed.

Simplistically, Ty Hackett (Columbus Short) is a guard at Eagle Shield Security. He’s broke, can’t catch a break and is responsible for taking care of his troubled little brother Jimmy (Andre Jamal Kinney) since their parents died. Things are so tough that he’s recruited to help rob an armored truck convoy carrying $42 million by fellow rent-a-cops Mike Cochrane (Dillon) and Baines (Fishburne). According to Murphy’s Law (why doesn’t anyone pay heed to it?), the heist, of course, doesn’t go as planned — Ty has second thoughts, people get killed, police are dispatched.

Suspense and drama are purposefully injected into Armored by Antal’s overuse of confined action (which kinda worked in Vacancy) in, of all places, a steel mill, cos everyone knows that’s the place to go to stash the cash. Then there is a bewildering stretch that takes place inside the armored car itself, cos you know, why wouldn’t you hide out in there when things go horribly wrong. Oh, and who woulda known that with a little ingenuity and elbow grease there are so many tricks that can be done with the truck itself!

As if that’s not bad enough, I think I was supposed to actually be on the side of these would be geniuses. How or why, I’m not sure, since I can’t recall any explanation as to why all these guards would decide to take suck a risk on such a poorly planned robbery (backup plan anyone?). Yeah times are tough, but there is no way in hell you’re going to get away scot free robbing your own armored truck. How fucking stupid do you have to be to try? I’d have thunk the frequent security and background checks performed by the security company would’ve weeded out idiots like this . . .

Ah, and the ending, well let’s just say it is so full of shit its eyes are brown.

Armored is drivel. Nothing of value can be ascertained from viewing it. Shame on all involved with its production.

Critical Movie Critic Rating:
1 Star Rating: Stay Away


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The Critical Movie Critics

I'm an old, miserable fart set in his ways. Some of the things that bring a smile to my face are (in no particular order): Teenage back acne, the rain on my face, long walks on the beach and redneck women named Francis. Oh yeah, I like to watch and criticize movies.

'Movie Review: Armored (2009)' have 12 comments

  1. The Critical Movie Critics

    December 18, 2009 @ 4:48 am Elmer Carlson

    It doesn’t have any twists that make the whole story interesting. You won’t even notice that the story will end.

  2. The Critical Movie Critics

    January 5, 2010 @ 11:50 am nathanial

    I agree with Elmer Carlson.It has no moves that make the story interesting throughout. You will not even notice that the story will end.

  3. The Critical Movie Critics

    January 7, 2010 @ 7:21 am John

    Horrible. I watched the dvd on the computer, so i was able to skip through “slow” scenes unfortunatly slow scenes fill the last half of the movie, honestly.

    This movie is a real slap to the face, it doesnt take much sence for the viewer to realise this is a poorly thought out heist from the get go. There is no happy ending infact if you do like your movies to end with an ending, I would stear clear of this movie.

    Everything was stupid and painfull even the sound track, which is mostly non existant, is filthy. In the last half of the movie all you can hear is a metal bar being banged against a metal door as they try to open it. This noise lasts for over 20 min coming in and out as the scenes seem to repeat them selves.

    Even the acting is poor and the scripting is terrible. The movie ends like this;

    “There is talk of a reward”
    Close up camera shot
    Kid comes into screen
    “So we goin home?”
    Close up of main charector
    “yeah i guess we are”


  4. The Critical Movie Critics

    January 20, 2010 @ 6:50 am Armored

    Armored is a piece of shit =) No action, awful plot. Really, don’t watch it.

  5. The Critical Movie Critics

    January 20, 2010 @ 7:42 pm MultiTest

    I just don’t understand how you can have all those good or decent actors and actresses in a movie that totally bombs. I don’t get it.

  6. The Critical Movie Critics

    February 4, 2010 @ 8:36 am Hummel

    I agree with Elmer Carlson.It has no moves that make the story interesting throughout. You will not even notice that the story will end.

  7. The Critical Movie Critics

    February 16, 2010 @ 3:14 am john

    I just watch the movie.. and I don’t like it!why did i have to watch the movie???? hated it!

  8. The Critical Movie Critics

    June 28, 2010 @ 4:02 am dara

    This movie makes no sense. How can you anyone expect to believe what was going on is even possible? It’s retarded….. I can’t stop thinking about how this retarded movie ever get mad with so many good actors. Did I mentioned retarded? An armored truck caring 40 millions…. that’s a fucking lot of money. Stash your cash and expect to get away???? Are you suffering from brain damaged. I think there are so much protocols these days with armored truck and security that you can’t stay more than 5 minutes without being in contact with your home base, that they don’t send police to track your ass!!! there’s is also route you would consider… and have to take… there is GPS satellite tracking the truck. The god damn city bus I take everyday has GPS for heaven sake!!!!!! And you think an armored truck caring 40 millions can disappear for 50 minutes without going unnoticed.!!! Is the writer retarded!!! Is the director retarded!!!! Did the studio even read the script? How can they green light this story without even consulting a security firm and learn the actual logistic of security of armored car? As soon as a truck is off route…. everything goes ape shit you don’t have a moment to breath… and here you have a truck chase, crashing.. you think the police is stupid enough to believe your story all they have to do is investigate the evidence that is left behind by the armored truck and the chase and did I ballistic of the gun they used to kill the bum. There is no way they could have gotten away with this as soon they step off their route.

    retarded… retarded… retarded……. retarded…..omg did I say retarded…. i even tried to give it a second chance… as soon as the chase scene between the armored truck went about I say this is impossible to believe.


  9. The Critical Movie Critics

    November 8, 2010 @ 7:46 am Chorttle

    Such a shame because a good bunch of actors, particularly Jean Reno, such a waste of his talent.

  10. The Critical Movie Critics

    December 1, 2010 @ 4:47 pm CMrok93

    Armored also relies heavily on genre convention, deriving from movies like Die Hard and Panic Room. Despite its flaws, this heist movie entertains with some cool explosions and exciting action sequences.

  11. The Critical Movie Critics

    January 23, 2011 @ 1:17 pm orlando

    This was one of the great adventure/thriller movies that I have seen.

  12. The Critical Movie Critics

    February 16, 2011 @ 5:26 pm Lang Brady

    This movie sucked. I was drawn in by the plot and the setting, but the movie just focuses on a little black pussy. Armored van employees cannot be pussies so the story doesn’t even make any sence. now I lost an hour and a half of my life hopping the pussy gets killed and he end up not being killed. what a terrible movie with good talent and setting put to waste. I wish someone would have warned me about this before i watched it. And one of things that I hated most, was that in thius movie they made the snitch, pussy look like a hero. In real life nobody likes people like this.

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