Movie Review: Zombie Strippers! (2008)

What do you get when you combine the living dead with exotic dancers? Zombie Strippers! of course! I must say, I’m amazed it took so long to make a film devoted to these two mainstays of American culture. I’ll also say, I wouldn’t have minded if it took a bit longer, because this movie was brain dead and nonresuscitatable upon arrival.

I use the word brain dead with due cause, as I can’t recall a B-movie so sloppily stitched together. Clearly Zombie Strippers! was a way to get Jenna Jameson and some other smokin’ hot babes naked and gyrating for the camera. That’s fine in its own right, but where is the story line that at least has some semblance of making sense? How about finding people that could at least act like they could read their lines? What I can’t understand is why the producers just didn’t finance a porno, as they would have gotten a great deal more bang for their buck and I could have had a happy ending.

That being said, the testosterone in me did politely remind me that I would most happily tear the back-end out of each of the starlets – after all, a man’s got to do what a man’s got to do. Each of the women (who they are doesn’t matter) parade around in some form of undress – a few stay in bra and panties, a few get topless and a couple put it all out for the viewing public to enjoy. Obviously, the main focus falls upon the leader of the strippers, Kat (Jenna Jameson). My problem is, she is now a shell of what she once was. A few years ago, I would have given my left nut to spend 20 minutes with her; now I’d be hard pressed to give your left nut for the same opportunity. She’s apparently subscribed to the “I don’t know when to say when” cosmetic surgery plan. It looks like she’s had cheek and chin implants, collagen injections in her lips, a boob job (or three) and quite possibly liposuction on her thighs. And as she decays throughout the movie, the sight of her becomes even more bizarre.

And that’s all there is to the movie since the writing and directing by Jay Lee is either nonexistent or so bad it may as well be nonexistent. I’d love for someone to tell me why the virus effects strippers differently than the rest of the populace of the civilized world. Is it because they’re so much dumber than everyone else? And why do men continue to drink, cheer and head off for lap dances when other patrons are being cannibalized right before their very eyes? Are men so consumed with vagina, that we disregard our self-preservation instinct? And what the fuck is Robert Englund doing in this? He was Freddy Krueger for Christ’s sake – a horror icon! Aside from the gratuitous nudity, the only scene that was worth remembering was when Tito Ortiz (a bad-ass UFC fighter) scurried away like a scared girl when things were getting a bit out of hand at the club. That was literally the lone funny moment of the movie.

So without prolonging the pain – of you reading this and me writing it – further, I’ll just end this review as it began: Zombie Strippers! is brain dead and should not be resuscitated under any circumstances. Watch a Jenna Jameson flick from the 90’s and a zombie flick like The Return of the Living Dead on two televisions simultaneously to get your nude comedy zombie fixation satisfied.