Movie Review: Miss March (2009)

Yes, I know I’m several months late with my review of Miss March. No matter, for all it’s worth the movie could have just as easily been titled Miss June. Actually, now that I’m finally writing this, it should have been called Miss-ed Opportunity — what could have been a raunch filled teen sex comedy turned out to be a weak rendition of Teen Wolf crossed with Sex Drive. Even having the Playboy brand prominently appended to it couldn’t help.

The cause? First timers, Zach Cregger and Trevor Moore wore three hats too many — writer, director and actor. That’s right, for those reading into that sentence, even if they wore one hat, it would have probably been one too many.

The characters they’ve written and portray are simple caricatures of Stiles and Scott with less interesting things to say. Trevor is Tucker, the faithful yet wholly unrefined and asinine best friend and Zach takes on the role of Eugene, the straight-laced, goody two-shoes of the duo. After prom Eugene and his girlfriend, Cindi (Raquel Alessi), decide to lose their virginity to one another, but a tumble down the stairs and an ensuing coma for Eugene squashes his shot at 15-seconds of bliss. Fast forwarding four years, Eugene wakes up to discover his virginal girlfriend has abandoned him and is now a Playboy centerfold. This screams road trip to Tucker and he convinces Eugene that a drive out to Los Angeles is a necessity if he hopes to get any closure.

As far as I’m concerned road trip comedies are by far the easiest movies to throw together. When in a jam, a writer can literally toss wholly unrelated concepts that are funny into the mix. Miss March has its share of these but the vast majority of them are used ad nauseam. Shitting on a floor because of an uncontrollable bowel is disgustingly funny. So is crashing a car because there are two lesbians hooking up in the back seat. After the third and fourth time, however, it just proves the creative tank is empty. Same could be said about Tucker’s rapper friend Horsedick.MPEG (Craig Robinson). Yeah, the initial shock of a stupid name like that elicited a laugh, but the constant repeat of it actually caused me to wince at the mere thought of it being said again (adding in the fact he didn’t have dick wasn’t helpful either).

Then inexcusably, there isn’t a lick of skin to be seen. Cindi, is literally Miss March and she wears more clothes than Mother Teresa. The final act of the film takes place at the Playboy mansion — the place where Playmates skimp about naked and perform fellatio on hapless visitors — and the best these guys could cream up is to have one of the girls drink dog piss unintentionally? I don’t know much, but what I do know is that should be classified as a cardinal sin. I still can’t get over it.

What I can do, at most, is give the guys credit for dreaming up the idea for Miss March. Good idea, followed by horrible, horrible execution. Zach and Trevor should stick to The Whitest Kids U Know, whatever in the hell that is. You, the viewer, should find something else to stick to.