Movie Review: Witless Protection (2008)

Larry the Cable Guy is at his best, a marginally funny stand-up comedian. He is not is any way, shape or form a person with an ounce of acting ability. Witless Protection proves this point conclusively (although this should have been clearly evident when he was cast in Delta Farce).

In this latest mess masquerading as a movie, Larry plays Larry a dim-witted small town sheriff. The premise, written, with oh-so-much care and thought by Charles Robert Carner (who also directed), has Larry stumbling onto what he thinks is a kidnapping by the FBI only to find out that it really is a kidnapping by the FBI. It seems some agents, led by Alonzo Mosely (Yaphet Kotto), have decided to not deliver their protected witness Madeleine (Ivana Milicevic) to Chicago as planned but instead to the person she was due to testify against, Arthur Grimsley (Peter Stormare). So after Larry takes her from their clutches – in the most asinine manner possible – the movie then becomes a pathetic cat and mouse game – they run to a motel; the feds find them, they run to the airport; the feds follow, yadda yadda yadda.

What I soon found out was Witless Protection isn’t actually a movie, so much as it is a vehicle for Larry the Cable Guy to don his trademark backwoods clothing (sleeveless flannel and camouflaged baseball cap) and rattle off his semi-funny southern simile jokes. Every single situation he finds himself in, he manages to pop off a few of his “insightful” comparisons – “she is hotter than an electric prod on a hog’s ass”, when remarking about Madeleine and “I know these back roads better than the ingrown hair pimples on my girlfriends front butt” while fleeing from the FBI are examples (there at least one hundred additional gems). Yeah once in a blue moon you’ll manage a laugh or two, but my how they get old fast.

Furthermore, I couldn’t for the life of me figure out what in the hell would possess Eric Roberts and Joe Mantegna to take roles in this shit heap. Sure Roberts has seen better days, but for Christ’s sake, he is a much better actor than this. Same goes for Mantegna. His role as Larry’s brother-in-law Rondog Savage may be the most baffling performance I’ve ever seen. It is so bad, I had to hang my head in shame.

If there is a plus to this, it is in the fact that two smoking hot babes are showcased. First Jenny McCarthy steps up to play Larry’s girlfriend Connie (don’t ask why, I have no idea). I don’t know about you, but she looks just as good now as when she first graced Playboy’s pages in 1994. Unfortunately, she doesn’t get a whole lot of air time nor is she naked in what little time she is given. Thankfully the void is filled by Ivana Milicevic – who looks strikingly similar to Jessica Simpson (just more natural). She manages to not only look fantastic but she actually does a relatively good job with her role. Too bad it was all for naught.

That being said, I am going to proclaim Witless Protection as the worst movie of 2008 now (I simply can’t fathom anything possibly being worse than this). Hell, if I were to start a worst movie list of all time, this may very well find itself in the top ten – as a matter of fact at the time of this publishing, it is number four on the IMDb Bottom 100. I guess the fact that it made a top list of some form is something for everyone who worked on this film to be proud of, since there is absolutely nothing else for them to hold their heads up high about.