Someone, somewhere still thinks Jessica Simpson is a bankable product. But with declining music sales, a long forgotten reality television show and not ever actually having much in the way of a hit movie, I’m not so sure that individual still has a job. That’s because her latest feature, Blonde Ambition, has had perhaps the worst screening a movie can ever have. In eight theaters in her home state, the movie grossed approximately $1,302 in three days. I’m not so good at math, but even I can figure out that those theaters lost a chunk of change premiering this.
What does this prove? Not a damn thing. But I hypothesize that the days of a semi-talented girl with a great set of tits and a nice round ass have all but passed on by. After all, if the people from her hometown won’t even go out to support a movie with a role that was made for her, who in God’s name will? Answer: no one. Not even the closet freaks who feast on movies like Blonde Ambition when they come out on DVD (which this supposedly will on January 22).
The movie itself is simplified version of the 1980’s classic Working Girl. Jessica Simpson is mistakenly given the lead as Katie, a country girl thrust into the shark infested waters of big business. To say she is a fish out of water is an understatement. She is immediately used as a pawn by Sandra Connelly (Penelope Ann Miller), a power-hungry VP and her cohort Frankie (Andy Dick) in an attempt to wrest control of the C & C conglomerate from CEO Richard Connelly (Larry Miller). Lurking in the mail room is her underachieving love interest, Ben (Luke Wilson), who has a few surprises up his sleeve as well (but nothing you can’t figure out relatively quickly). There’s a few other subplots to follow too, but I’ll be honest – I didn’t follow them.
For clarification purposes, the above statement “she is a fish out of water”, was not only meant to describe the character Katie but it also aptly describes Jessica Simpson as an actress too. The girl simply has zero acting ability. Sitting through the entire movie was just as painful as getting several root canals concurrently – without anesthesia. Even her best assets weren’t enough to take the focus off of this terribly written, directed and acted movie. That’s not for a lack of trying though – a good portion of the movie is geared toward playing dress up with Ms. Simpson. Hell, you know it is desperation time when the director, Scott Marshall, shoots close-ups of her ass and cleavage (which look awfully good) to drum up viewer enthusiasm. But someone please tell her that when she pushes her lips up, she looks like a toad. A very unattractive toad.
However, the failure isn’t all Jessica’s to carry. Luke Wilson has some serious explaining to do as well. It wasn’t that long ago that he was starring in memorable movies like My Super Ex-Girlfriend (yeah, I liked it) and Old School. I swear, if I didn’t know any better, I’d think this was his first acting gig. Millennium Films should withhold his paycheck for his lackluster effort. Hell, they shouldn’t pay anyone associated with this film.
Anyways, I’m pretty sure you know how this movie review is going to end. Avoid Blonde Ambition at all costs. Even if your friends are willing to pay for the rental, the beer and the pizza – avoid it. If I could do it all over again, I most certainly would.