Damn, my ass hurts. A lot. No it’s not from sitting in an uncomfortable seat at the theater for 96 minutes to watch Good Luck Chuck. It’s from being raped repeatedly by those who would release a hunk of shit movie like this and disguise it as an off-the-cuff romantic-comedy.
That’s right, Good Luck Chuck is a complete and shameful waste of time, space and money. Between drinks to drown my utter dissatisfaction, I’ve come up with the three main contributing factors for this failure. They are (in no particular order, since they’re all equally damning):
- Dane Cook is not and never will be a leading man. There is absolutely nothing cute, whimsical or funny about him. For simplicity’s sake, he is an obnoxious asshole. And whoever in Hollywood thought he would make an inconspicuous replacement to Ryan Reynolds should have a brand on their forehead reading “asshole” too. There is nothing likable about the man in a role like this (or any other come to think of it). Please, please stick with Hugh Grant or Matthew McConaughey for all future leading man candidates.
- Jessica Alba is not a leading lady. She doesn’t have near enough screen presence to pull it off. Yeah, she is mildly cute, but big fucking deal, so is 80% of the bimbos roaming aimlessly in studio backlots. Lord knows she’s been given chances to succeed (see Into the Blue and Honey) but I firmly believe it is time to concede, throw in the proverbial towel, and only allow Jessica Alba to star in supporting roles. By the way, somebody please fix her lips, they’re getting puffier by the minute!
- The writer (Josh Stolberg) and director (Mark Helfrich) had no idea how to write or direct this film. The premise itself is mildly entertaining; it’s the execution of it all that falters so glaringly. The jokes and gags written into the movie are crude (in an unfunny way), stale and have been rehashed countless time before. The dialogue between Charlie (Cook) and Cam (Alba) is forced and unnatural – there is no possible way these two people are meant for each other. Helfrich doesn’t do the script any justice either. He lets Cook ape for the camera in every scene, so much so, that I actually found myself wincing in pain (same variety you get when pissing with a syphilis infected dick). The love scenes and cuddling moments between our misguided lovers was equally horrifying to watch – I’ve seen better chemistry between oil and water.
But, if there is a upside to this turd, it can be found in the gratuitous nudity and in the deranged actions of Charlie’s best friend Stu (Dan Fogler). This guy takes creep to the next level – he screws warmed up grapefruits while jamming things up his ass and is so obsessed with tits that he actively seeks out and takes advantage of women who are self conscious of their chests. He’s a real piece of work to watch in action.
So what else can I possible say that hasn’t already been said, that would convince you to stay far, far way from Good Luck Chuck? How about, this may be the worst romantic-comedy ever made. It’s movies like these that have made me into the alcoholic I am today.