Movie Review: Balls Out: Gary the Tennis Coach (2009)

Everyone should know what they’re good at. For some they know early on in life, for others it can take some time. Tiger Woods as a child knew golf was his calling. Donald Trump, in his twenties, gravitated towards real estate. Seann William Scott, well, he realized he’s good at playing an idiot and getting paid for his efforts. Since his breakout role as Stifler in American Pie ten years ago, he’s basically reprised the character with varying levels of success (Role Models being his latest attempt). Keeping true to his strength comes his latest movie for our viewing pleasure: Balls Out: Gary the Tennis Coach.

Why this is a straight to DVD flick I can’t figure out though — its got so much going for it. Things like:

  • A sports theme not already done by Will Ferrell!
  • Seann William Scott’s bare ass!

And not only does Balls Out: Gary the Tennis Coach star Seann William Scott as the tennis pro turned janitor turned high school tennis coach Gary Houseman, but it also stars Randy Quaid! That’s right, Mr. Randy “Where Have All The Good Jobs Gone” Quaid!

Seriously though, there is a reason this movie, that was shot over two years ago and shelved, is being released straight to the home video market — it’s bad. Plain and simple.

I’m actively trying to think of a single scene that elicited something along the lines of laughter. Was there any when Houseman was fantasizing about screwing Coach Tuttle’s (Quaid) midget wife? Nope. Was there any as Houseman mangled the Spanish language as he tried to speak to the super sexy Spanish teacher Miss Sanchez (Leonor Varela)? None there either. How about during the pep rally or school dance? No siree. And even I was shocked when I didn’t break a smile as our protagonist chastises the tennis team in nothing but an athletic supporter. A guy’s naked ass is supposed to funny, right?

All that remains is the “I’ve seen that joke done in a funnier movie before” feeling you’re sure to experience and the uncomfortably boring love story between high schoolers Jenny (Emilee Wallace) and Mike (Brando Eaton).

Shame too, because deep down I like Seann William Scott. I wanted nothing more than to like him as a pedophilia mustache having dirtball. There was just no way the screenplay (which IMDb tells me won an award for best script at the BlueCat Screenplay Competition) was going to be any good no matter who starred in it. Not even the few obligatory scenes of T & A nor the casting of Leonor Varela (check her out in Hell Ride) will rouse the inner horndog (although I suspect the scenes cut out to give this an R-rating will be worthwhile to see in the DVD extras).

Buy hey, a guy’s got to know what he’s good at. Mr. Scott knows his calling, he just came up empty with Balls Out: Gary the Tennis Coach — severely empty. Now if Randy Quaid could just figure out what the hell he is doing . . .

Critical Movie Critic Rating:
1 Star Rating: Stay Away


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The Critical Movie Critics

I'm an old, miserable fart set in his ways. Some of the things that bring a smile to my face are (in no particular order): Teenage back acne, the rain on my face, long walks on the beach and redneck women named Francis. Oh yeah, I like to watch and criticize movies.

'Movie Review: Balls Out: Gary the Tennis Coach (2009)' have 13 comments

  1. The Critical Movie Critics

    January 9, 2009 @ 9:36 am Anne

    This looks like a great new comedy, looking forward to watching it, this movie is on my dvd list now

  2. The Critical Movie Critics

    January 10, 2009 @ 2:00 pm General Disdain

    Did you even read my review?

    Ah, I see you were commenting for link juice which, by the way, you didn’t get . . .

  3. The Critical Movie Critics

    January 10, 2009 @ 2:09 pm Very Silent Bob

    Danny Leinier, your are a good director but striked fool’s gold with this script,

    watch and read with care, Superbad, Revenge of the nerds, pet detective to understand the power of comedic talents.

    This script about a crazy tennis coach is a zero

  4. The Critical Movie Critics

    January 15, 2009 @ 12:21 am Chris Aintry

    Good movie, very funny, just saw it last night and I really liked it! The mosh pit at the dance was hilarious, and the funeral scene was pretty good too. If you give this your lowest rating, then I’m gonna have to take your movie reviews with a big, big grain of salt, cause to me, it was funny. Reminded me a little bit of Election, in the dark comedy sort of way.

  5. The Critical Movie Critics

    February 6, 2009 @ 7:59 am Ben


    This film is complete genius, it’s just not mainstream.

    I put this up there with Napoleon Dynamite, if you liked that you’ll love this.

  6. The Critical Movie Critics

    March 28, 2009 @ 3:20 pm Patrick Lee

    A good and honest review but I really enjoyed this in a sadistic sort of way, but wish to to God they didn’t add in all the adult stuff, if they had kept it clean it would have worked well as a kids movie.

    I also think the makers should be brought to account for allowing an 8 – 10 years old little girl talk about sucking on a man’s cock. Totally unnecessary to the “plot” and highly inappropriate language for someone so young.

  7. The Critical Movie Critics

    April 1, 2009 @ 12:51 pm Jay

    You can’t think of a single scene that would make you laugh? what about the foreign exchange student practicing, but butchering, the line “I love Coach Houseman” for five minutes and then busting into a PTA meeting and yelling “I rub crotch horsemaaaaaaan”? Or what about the scene when coach houseman is ripping the limbs off of a dummy (that is meant to represent a student at another school) at a pep rally? if you remember even a little bit of your high school days the absurdity of that has to make you chuckle. At the very least you have to laugh/cringe at the purging of the tennis teams previous record by houseman, or the defacing of the other teams tennis court. Especially because towards the end of the movie houseman nervously tells a parent “uh, nobody is shi#&%ing on anybodys courts.” I think maybe your problem is there was no reference point for normality. Everyone was so ridiculous it was hard to imagine these events in a non-movie setting. (I think the volunteer coach was supposed to be the normal one but he just came off as a dork). oh well, maybe try watching it again and writing another review, this time have a beer.

  8. The Critical Movie Critics

    July 15, 2009 @ 10:13 pm jarrod brake

    Movie was pretty good I thought. I did read quiet a few negative reviews prior to watching it so I guess my epectations where low..

    prob give it a 6-7 outa 10… was a bit budget with direction etc.

  9. The Critical Movie Critics

    July 27, 2009 @ 5:33 pm B08

    this was mostly filmed in taylor texas i was an extra at the dance scene

  10. The Critical Movie Critics

    August 13, 2010 @ 4:06 pm Leslie

    I am a big fan of American Pie and in particular Sean William Scott. He is such a hillarious guy and plays those roles so well. I don’t know if I can ever see him play another role would be difficult especially if it’s a serious role.


  11. The Critical Movie Critics

    September 28, 2011 @ 1:37 am mel

    I was dissapointed by your review i laughed non stop from beginning to end. My only complaint is that it seemed to promote in a slight way child pornagraphy. with the little girl’s language and the ending with the 16 or 17 year old got molested by the stripper a little weird…

  12. The Critical Movie Critics

    November 22, 2011 @ 2:52 pm bubbowski

    what were the names and artist of the 2 songs during the stripper scene

  13. The Critical Movie Critics

    January 15, 2012 @ 12:31 am matrix

    This movie fuckin sucked. What a crock of shit

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