Everyone should know what they’re good at. For some they know early on in life, for others it can take some time. Tiger Woods as a child knew golf was his calling. Donald Trump, in his twenties, gravitated towards real estate. Seann William Scott, well, he realized he’s good at playing an idiot and getting paid for his efforts. Since his breakout role as Stifler in American Pie ten years ago, he’s basically reprised the character with varying levels of success (Role Models being his latest attempt). Keeping true to his strength comes his latest movie for our viewing pleasure: Balls Out: Gary the Tennis Coach.
Why this is a straight to DVD flick I can’t figure out though — its got so much going for it. Things like:
- A sports theme not already done by Will Ferrell!
- Seann William Scott’s bare ass!
And not only does Balls Out: Gary the Tennis Coach star Seann William Scott as the tennis pro turned janitor turned high school tennis coach Gary Houseman, but it also stars Randy Quaid! That’s right, Mr. Randy “Where Have All The Good Jobs Gone” Quaid!
Seriously though, there is a reason this movie, that was shot over two years ago and shelved, is being released straight to the home video market — it’s bad. Plain and simple.
I’m actively trying to think of a single scene that elicited something along the lines of laughter. Was there any when Houseman was fantasizing about screwing Coach Tuttle’s (Quaid) midget wife? Nope. Was there any as Houseman mangled the Spanish language as he tried to speak to the super sexy Spanish teacher Miss Sanchez (Leonor Varela)? None there either. How about during the pep rally or school dance? No siree. And even I was shocked when I didn’t break a smile as our protagonist chastises the tennis team in nothing but an athletic supporter. A guy’s naked ass is supposed to funny, right?
All that remains is the “I’ve seen that joke done in a funnier movie before” feeling you’re sure to experience and the uncomfortably boring love story between high schoolers Jenny (Emilee Wallace) and Mike (Brando Eaton).
Shame too, because deep down I like Seann William Scott. I wanted nothing more than to like him as a pedophilia mustache having dirtball. There was just no way the screenplay (which IMDb tells me won an award for best script at the BlueCat Screenplay Competition) was going to be any good no matter who starred in it. Not even the few obligatory scenes of T & A nor the casting of Leonor Varela (check her out in Hell Ride) will rouse the inner horndog (although I suspect the scenes cut out to give this an R-rating will be worthwhile to see in the DVD extras).
Buy hey, a guy’s got to know what he’s good at. Mr. Scott knows his calling, he just came up empty with Balls Out: Gary the Tennis Coach — severely empty. Now if Randy Quaid could just figure out what the hell he is doing . . .