Movie Review: Vampires Suck (2010)

Parody films have steadily gotten worse and worse — the lure of the quick and easy buck has severely outpaced the need for inventive writing, good directing and skilled comedic acting. All one has to do is write up an ill-conceived plot that revolves around a current trend, toss in a bunch of no-name and/or has-been actors and let them flounder about with little (if any) direction to be a success in this now-cesspool of a genre. Capitalizing on this trend (actually causing it, now that I think about it), Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer have dreamed up their latest hit and run catastrophe with their eyes set squarely on The Twilight Saga. The product: Vampires Suck. Ha Ha Ha. Get it? The name is a double entendre and sadly it is, quite literally, the wittiest thing about the movie.

I liken watching this to watching a comedienne crash and burn to a packed house. It first starts as a feeling of confusion — is it supposed to be this bad?, then mixes with resentment — I paid for this?, and ultimately ends with pity and embarrassment — holy shit I’m glad that isn’t me getting a new asshole torn into me. It’s a terrible experience that coats you like an oil slick that is so thick and noxious that even repeated washings can’t remove it. You hate yourself for sitting through it too.

The plot of Vampires Suck is nearly an exact carbon copy of the aforementioned saga it lampoons — Jenn Proske takes on the role that Kristen Stewart makes a lot more money to do, only her name is Becca instead of Bella. Interestingly enough though, Jenn exhibits the same acting range as Kristen does: None. Chris Riggi is the werewolf with four-pack abs that, while infinitely better than mine, doesn’t nearly rival that of Taylor Lautner’s world famous midsection (a better joke would have been if he was a fatty). Matt Lanter is the angst-ridden, sparkly vampire Edward. Both love the human girl who can’t make up her mind. Thrown into the mix is Diedrich Bader as Becca’s idiot dad and Ken Jeong, who, now that he is a known quantity, has lost that, “who is that really funny Korean guy who made the entire movie worthwhile” mystique.

I’ll be the first one in line to agree that the Twilight craze deserves to be made fun of. Yet, I can’t believe I’m saying this, it deserves so much better. Tossing a reference to the Jersey Shore douchebags is lame (so is the fact that they couldn’t even get the real Jersey Shore douchebags to appear!). The Lady Gaga slap is even worse. Hell, I can’t think of a single joke or pop culture reference that made me even think about smiling. Once again, Friedberg and Seltzer prove they didn’t even try (I’m almost certain I said the same thing about these guys in my review of Disaster Movie). I am now wholly convinced this dynamic duo want to own all top ten spots on the list of worst movies ever conceived.

Vampires Suck sucks. It is now undeniably the absolute most mind numbingly bad spoof movie ever — and when I say ever, I mean EVER — made.