Movie Review: Nurse 3D (2013)

The plot of Nurse 3D is clearly spelled out in the beginning of the movie when a sluttily dressed woman named Abigail Russell seduces a married man at a bar, slices open his femoral artery and pushes him over a roof ledge while saucily confessing to the audience she does things like this to cleanse loving families of lying cheating husbands. There are arguably better causes that call for vigilante justice for sure, but it’s a good enough one to champion, I suppose.

Inexplicably, however, this serial killer premise is tossed aside and Abby (Paz de la Huerta, “Boardwalk Empire” TV series) is reduced to a hurt little kitty intent on exacting revenge when her sexual advances (under the guise of friendship and mentorship) are rebuffed by a cute-as-a-button nurse-in-training named Danni (Katrina Bowden, “Scary Movie 5”). Both work at the All Saints Memorial Hospital where every female nurse wears tight, revealing outfits (the type quickly stripped out of in a porno flick) and all the doctors are chauvinistic pigs intent on getting said nurses out of their uniformed lingerie. It seems writers Douglas Aarniokoski and David Loughery don’t want there to be confusion as to the thought Nurse 3D is anything other than nonsensical, exploitative slasher material.

Aarniokoski, who also directs the picture, does so with a highly stylized, um, style. The blood in the gorier scenes (of which there are several) is vividly crimson, the darker scenes appear unnaturally bright and everyone plays along on his set in a caricaturey way. Some, like Judd Nelson (keeping busy but without the success promised by “The Breakfast Club”) as the sleazy chief physician are doing so purposely, others like Bowden and Corbin Bleu (“High School Musical” fame), who tackles the role of Danni’s loving but not so understanding boyfriend, are trying so hard to be serious they’re awful. Bowden who showed some promise in 2010’s “Tucker & Dale Vs. Evil” shows no growth as an actress but does show off her bra and panties and a bit of skin in a carefully shot shower scene. Niecy Nash, having graduated from the TV series “Reno 911!,” provides some well-needed humor to balance the unthrilling thrills as a fellow nurse who can dish it out as good as she gets it.

If there is a redeeming quality to Nurse 3D it lays in the hands (or perhaps bosom) of de la Huerta who displays no fear embracing such an outrageous character. Aarniokoski seems content to let her do whatever the hell it is she wants to do for the camera so long as eroticism is on point. So, for much of the movie she prowls around topless, bottomless or in seductive dress and throughout it all she speaks in the oddest of manners — heavily accented with syllables stressed to squeeze out the absolute most sexiness from each word, innocuous or not. The fact no one seems to notice her cadence is an equally redeeming quality too, because you know, diversity training and all is something to be applauded. Her effort here can be construed as nothing other than a train wreck, but that just means audiences will be hard pressed to turn away for fear of her doing something all the more strange.

And trust me, Nurse 3D takes some absurd turns with and without de la Huerta’s help. Little, if any, makes sense (New York City is apparently inhabited by complete idiots) and by the end it’s driven right off a cliff. But hey, that’s where its limited entertainment value can be found: No shits are given, whatsoever by this production. Some well-thought out plot and seasoned acting wasn’t going to get in the way of the babes bathed in blood delivery. So while bad in nearly every possible way, in a limited dose, the bloody farce of Nurse 3D could be just the fix one needs to mindlessly lose 84 minutes of his or her life.