While watching a Rodney Dangerfield movie (Easy Money, if you must know), I came to wonder how many actresses are running around Hollywood with screwy eyes? How many would I sleep with? So of course I set upon figuring it out and I’ve ranked them on their “do-ability”.
Criteria: She has to be have appeared in a movie (I’d say acted but so many of them aren’t exactly masters of the craft); have some sort of eye ailment (lazy eyes, uneven eyes, freaky eyes, etc.); 18 or older — no cradle robbing here.
|10||Melissa Joan Hart — She’s got that wickedly tired right eye but a great body. Who actually watched Sabrina the Teenage Witch for the acting? I know I didn’t.|
|9||Kirsten Dunst — There’s just something going for her. She’s skinny as hell and her right eye is a bit messy, but she’s got the special ‘it’ factor. Also, if she’s good enough for Spider-Man, she’s good enough for me.|
|8||Christina Ricci — She’s got herself a pair of bug eyes (right one can get a bit droopy at times too). Yet, after Black Snake Moan put her on the map, who doesn’t want to chain her to a radiator? I certainly do.|
|7||Jillian Barberie — Yeah, she’s annoying as all hell, but that body has held steady for years. I wouldn’t pay any attention to her right eye or to the fact that it may give me nightmares.|
|6||Paris Hilton— Both of her eyes are a bit screwy, but the left one has got some real issues. I’d do her just to say I screwed an heiress. By the way, I’d tape it too.|
|5||Eliza Dushku — After seeing Bring It On and Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back so many years ago, she has a place reserved in my heart (and bed). So does her slightly weaker left eye.|
|4||Kari Wuhrer — I used to watch that stupid MTV show Remote Control just to catch a glimpse of her. Never paid much attention to the fact that her right eye was a bit skewed and even though it appears to be getting worse, it wouldn’t stop me from pouncing on her.|
|3||Lucy Liu — Hottest Chinese chick in Hollywood. Her left eye is a bit narrower than the right but that wouldn’t stop me for a second . . . or for 5 minutes.|
|2||Teri Hatcher — Her right eye has gotten a bit droopy as she’s aged. All women should hope to look as good as Teri does when they start piling on the years. She’s the best Desperate Housewife on the block.|
|1||Jessica Alba — I know, you don’t want to believe it but her right eye is ever so slightly more squinty than her left. Doesn’t matter though, she is still beyond hot and I would drop anything for 18 minutes of alone time with her.|
Point out the ones I’ve missed, if you must.