The Expendables 3 (2014) by The Critical Movie Critics

Movie Review: The Expendables 3 (2014)

The Expendables 3 (2014) by The Critical Movie Critics

Looking for a fight.

It was widely reported that Bruce Willis insisted on a $4 million plus paycheck to reprise his role as Mr. Church in The Expendables 3. For this he was ridiculed and even has a joke made at his expense sandwiched into the film (by Harrison Ford of all people). But could it be that money really wasn’t the issue? Is it possible Willis found his shit-movie threshold and demanded such a high figure knowing full well he wouldn’t receive it?

Probably not (the man did accept a mint to star in the dreadful “A Good Day to Die Hard“), but the one truth is The Expendables 3 is shit. Of the warm, runny variety one fears on long road trips.

Sylvester Stallone (returning as Barney Ross) and his remaining cohorts — Jason Statham, Terry Crews, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Dolph Lundgren, Randy Couture, Jet Li — will swear otherwise. Because, you know, the film isn’t a lazy cash grab; the characters they developed in 2010’s “The Expendables” have growth potential and unfinished business that needs attending to. Dumping his mercenary team (which now includes Wesley Snipes back from his stint in prison) because he’s fearful of them dying only to enlist a bunch of newbies — Ronda Rousey, Antonio Banderas, Kellan Lutz, Glen Powell, Victor Ortiz — whom he doesn’t care about is hardly an admirable trait of Barney’s worth expanding on, however.

But truthfully, it really didn’t matter who was brought along for this latest action-adventure, as master arms dealer and ex-Expendable Conrad Stonebanks (Mel Gibson) and his team can’t shoot worth a shit even when armed with attack helicopters, tanks, RPGs and having Barney’s elite squad trapped in a crumbling building rigged with explosives with no escape routes. Their aim is so bad Cobra Command from the 80’s GI Joe cartoon look like sharpshooters. And hell, even like that awful cartoon, The Expendables 3 also suffers from terrible production values. Visual effects, cinematography, directing, editing — take your pick; none of them are up to snuff. None, however, are as bad as the acting.

The Expendables 3 (2014) by The Critical Movie Critics

Giggling like children.

It’s clear from the get go all the guys (and gal) are having a lot of fun on set but that only goes so far. Some, like Rousey and Ortiz, have zero acting ability. Others, like Lutz, Couture and Lundgren are limited at best. Most painful is to see actors like Ford, Gibson and even Banderas hamming it up to such an extent that it caused knots in my stomach. There was a time guys of this stature would have snubbed the very thought of starring in a movie like The Expendables 3. I guess times are tough, even for the Hollywood elite.

But what’s even more frightening is fourth and fifth installments are already moving towards production even before the third has recorded a single receipt at the box office. That means the studios behind The Expendables 3 don’t care one iota about the quality of the franchise or its audience. Neither apparently do the actors who have reportedly already signed up for their half-day of filming. Except for Bruce Willis of course . . . that is until he proves my hypothesis wrong and accepts an apology and the $5 million paycheck sure to come his way.

Critical Movie Critic Rating:
1 Star Rating: Stay Away


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The Critical Movie Critics

I'm an old, miserable fart set in his ways. Some of the things that bring a smile to my face are (in no particular order): Teenage back acne, the rain on my face, long walks on the beach and redneck women named Francis. Oh yeah, I like to watch and criticize movies.

'Movie Review: The Expendables 3 (2014)' have 14 comments

  1. The Critical Movie Critics

    August 14, 2014 @ 10:58 am NON

    You, like 99.99% of “critics”, don’t get it.

  2. The Critical Movie Critics

    August 14, 2014 @ 11:16 am Wallman

    Glad I torrented it.

    • The Critical Movie Critics

      August 15, 2014 @ 2:48 pm Head

      I don’t condone piracy but it’s so bad they should have made it freely available.
      No one should pay to see this theaters.

  3. The Critical Movie Critics

    August 14, 2014 @ 11:52 am Andes Troll

    They’re definitely running out of steam. They need to pick a better stable of younger, recognizable action stars to carry it on or this franchise is done. The group of no names they pulled from a hat aren’t going to get it done.

  4. The Critical Movie Critics

    August 14, 2014 @ 12:26 pm Resvrrection

    When they all die I’ll watch it.

  5. The Critical Movie Critics

    August 14, 2014 @ 2:15 pm distaste4u

    Your review is more entertaining than the movie itself.

  6. The Critical Movie Critics

    August 14, 2014 @ 3:06 pm Base Dolby

    The final coffin nail which totally kills E3 is the PG-13 rating. It’s so clean. All the blood and breaks are pathetically fast edited out to appeal to a wider audience.

    • The Critical Movie Critics

      August 15, 2014 @ 1:25 pm Regan

      Surprising a few curse words made it through the censors.

    • The Critical Movie Critics

      August 15, 2014 @ 6:08 pm DedGecko

      The lack of blood and guts doesn’t do it in, the half-assing does it in. The action sequences are tame in comparison to any other action movie made in the last 10 years and the self-referential humor and one-liners which were a big part of the first two are lazily written and unoriginal.

  7. The Critical Movie Critics

    August 14, 2014 @ 7:31 pm AnimeHammerHead

    No Jet Li. There’s no coming back from that.

  8. The Critical Movie Critics

    August 15, 2014 @ 11:11 am simon chet

    Credit Gibson for making Stonebanks a worthy villain. The guy may be certifiably insane but for sure he can still act better than the rest of them.

  9. The Critical Movie Critics

    August 15, 2014 @ 2:51 pm mayor5

    It’s so bad it’s good. Just gotta get in the right mindset boys.

  10. The Critical Movie Critics

    August 15, 2014 @ 10:14 pm Ozzie

    Like everyone before me said, it’s not worth your time or money. :x

  11. The Critical Movie Critics

    August 17, 2014 @ 2:48 pm RoshIan

    Made me feel sad to watch old people try so hard to remain relevent.

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