The Hitcher (2007) by The Critical Movie Critics

Movie Review: The Hitcher (2007)

I’m going to begin this review by saying I’m no fan of remakes. To often they reek of shit and mean people are out of fresh ideas. However, due to a boring Saturday night, I decided against my better judgement and sat to watch The Hitcher. I hate myself for it.

Let me first, get the good out of the way. Sophia Bush, who plays our heroine Grace, is easy on the eyes. I mentally undressed her half a dozen times during the movie and wished to see more of her during her shower scene. I’m going to start watching that shitfest “One Tree Hill” that she stars in, on a regular basis now. That’s about it — were you expecting more?

Now to the bad. Problem is, there is so much bad, that I don’t know where to begin! This plot is riddled with stupidity. I’ve never seen two people do the dumbest things. Instead of turning around after their first encounter with the psycho hitchhiker, they decide to continue on with their plans without first trying to find the authorities. After the ridiculous massacre at the police station, what good comes from running away? Surely they know it’s what the demented fucker wants! Why doesn’t Grace shoot the chains binding her boyfriend? And why doesn’t the cop at the end tell Grace the only way out of the paddy-wagon is if someone opens the door from the OUTSIDE — our serial killer friend can’t escape unless the door is opened for him! And trust me there are 726 more stupid fucking actions and scenes and dialogue that just make me want to grow hair on my bald head simply to rip it back out.

The Hitcher is utter shit. I am amazed that this movie has made any money at the box office. I can only imagine people are going to see this because they too were bored on a Saturday evening. I hope with all my heart the original movie wasn’t as bad as this because if it was there can be no justifiable reason to remake it. My guess is it is just as bad so I firmly believe the financiers of this film should be ripped in half by a semi-truck, just like that faggot boyfriend of Grace’s, Jim (Zachary Knighton) was. Avoid at all costs.

Critical Movie Critic Rating:
1 Star Rating: Stay Away


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The Critical Movie Critics

I'm an old, miserable fart set in his ways. Some of the things that bring a smile to my face are (in no particular order): Teenage back acne, the rain on my face, long walks on the beach and redneck women named Francis. Oh yeah, I like to watch and criticize movies.

'Movie Review: The Hitcher (2007)' has 1 comment

  1. The Critical Movie Critics

    October 30, 2007 @ 2:38 am DeanM

    I have seen both Hitchers. You can rest assured the original is nowhere near as bad as this. In fact, it is quite sublime in a early-1980s telemovie kind of way. Bear in mind that it was made in the same era as the V miniseries, and you get my full meaning.

    It is worth pointing out, too, that the original kept the viewer in some doubt as to whether the hero was imagining being chased by this vile hitchhiker. One popular theory has it that the hitchhiker is real and trying to drive the hero bonkers to prove some kind of point. Either way, the original has more brainpower allocated to its deleted scenes than this piece of shit remake has in every cel that was shot for it. Five pieces of shit is not enough to describe how disappointing this remake is to those who have seen the original.

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