Movie Review: The Messengers (2007)

Nothing gets the blood flowing better in the morning than a scary movie based on some freaky, paranormal shit. Then again, a good shot of whiskey coupled with a mind-numbing blowjob will do the trick too. Unfortunately, I don’t get much of the latter anymore, so The Messengers are going to have fulfill my need for morning excitement this fine wintry day.

So after wiping the snot from my eyes, I headed out to the local cineplex in hopes of a good scare. Instead, what I got is the basic run-of-the-mill horror movie — old and run down house, mysterious strangers, troubled child living with the host family, poltergeist activity — I could continue to name the clichés but I’m already getting bored. Why can’t Hollywood break away from these fucking cookie cutter ideas? My only guess is they hope we’ll forget a nearly exact replica of this movie came out in 2005 under the name of “Hide and Seek.”

This time though, I’ll have to state that The Messengers tends to be slightly more scary than the movie it so obviously ripped off. The use of the children to invoke feelings of horror creeps the fuck out of me, so it’s use is always a good thing. Here it is used subtly, unlike other movies of this kind: “The Ring,” “The Ring Two” and “The Grudge.” What I generally preferred was the good use of mood sounds and music which built up the dramatic events. It’s used quite a lot in this movie — and helps in a few jump out of your seat moments.

Now even if the movie is slightly better than that De Niro pile of shit, it still so full of stupidity, it hurts my head to conceive. Here are few questions that ran through my mind while watching, and will surely run through yours if you plan to watch The Messengers.

• Why would anyone even think about moving into a fucked up, dilapidated house in the middle of nowhere?
• Who in their right mind lets a complete stranger move into their house?
• Why do overachieving families always think the answers to a family problem is to move far away from their originations?
• How come people don’t move the fuck out of a location the first moment they see something that doesn’t quite make sense happen?
• Why are the parents always complete assholes to the needs of their children?
• What are . . . and so on . . .

For what it’s worth, there are lots of worse horror movies out there. There are also a whole bunch of better movies in existence. The Messengers, at this exact moment, is the best of its class in theaters. Go see it if you need your fix. Avoid it if you don’t.