Battleship (2012) by The Critical Movie Critics

Movie Review: Battleship (2012)

Battleship (2012) by The Critical Movie Critics

Exploding alien Frisbees.

Picture it — a grizzled veteran cop showing the ropes to a rookie is tasked with solving a brutal murder of a young Hollywood starlet. Few clues were left at the scene, save for a red chip with the cursive letter “H” imprinted upon it — a calling card of the killer. A week later, a second girl is brutalized. The week after that, a third. The detectives know they must connect the dots before this maniac gets his (or her) fourth victim in a row . . .

Agreed, the plot for my action-fueled, detective thriller, “Connect 4” is rather weak, but so is the one for Battleship (and “G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra” and “Transformers: Dark of the Moon” come to think of it). They all share a common thread other than being predicable, explosion-filled fodder, however; they’re all properties owned by toy conglomerate, Hasbro. But whereas the G.I. Joe and Transformer toys had a built in path to the big screen, a boring turn-based board game didn’t. Solution: Add invading aliens! Absolutely stupid, invading aliens!

We should all hope, no, we should all pray that when aliens come to our planet to enslave us they’re all ill-prepared and idiotic as those in Battleship. Sure, they got themselves some awesome animalistic type of vehicles brandishing some innovative weaponry (which the computer effects department must have had a field day rendering) but these lizardy aliens have no concept how to use them or wage an effective war. It also gives rise to the notion that any jackass can save the world.

Our jackass is Lieutenant Alex Hopper (Taylor Kitsch, “John Carter”). He’s a routine fuck-up, who reminded me of Chris Pine’s Captain Kirk in “Star Trek,” only portrayed with 150% less heart or likability. Nonetheless, his Navy career having big brother Stone (Alexander Skarsgård, “Straw Dogs”) watches out for him and Alex has somehow managed to get the hottest girl in the world to love him (Brooklyn Decker, “Just Go with It”). He also just happens to be a part of the Japanese-United States naval games in Hawaii, where coincidentally, high powered satellite transceivers have invited the none-too-smart aliens to come kick our ass.

Movie review of Battleship (2012) by The Critical Movie Critics

Ready to shoot stuff.

With much pomp and circumstance the invasion begins, things blow up, and lots of people die, including Alex’s bro. It’s sad really, as he was the only good character in the story — screenwriters Erich and Jon Hoeber didn’t bother to write anyone with a shred of resonating personality (even though 40 minutes are so are used for character introductions). But Stone’s death is the driving force for Alex to extract his head from his own ass to become the man he could be — the man his brother always saw him being. The one we wish he’d hurry up and become so this mess of a movie could end already.

And end Battleship does . . . eventually. Alex assumes control of the lone destroyer left out in sea and sets about exacting revenge, with, no I’m not kidding, a few coordinated strikes that resemble the board game! A perfect tie-in to the merchandise! The only thing missing was having Alex shouting, “B-8” and having an exosuited alien bemoaning, “You sank my super-duper frog shaped intergallatic battleship.”

Critical Movie Critic Rating:
1 Star Rating: Stay Away


Movie Review: Oslo, August 31st (2011)
Movie Review: West of Brooklyn (2008)

The Critical Movie Critics

I'm an old, miserable fart set in his ways. Some of the things that bring a smile to my face are (in no particular order): Teenage back acne, the rain on my face, long walks on the beach and redneck women named Francis. Oh yeah, I like to watch and criticize movies.

'Movie Review: Battleship (2012)' have 14 comments

  1. The Critical Movie Critics

    May 17, 2012 @ 11:17 pm Ebeneezer

    You might want to option your “Connect 4” movie before Hollywood snags it for themselves. They’re notorious for IP infringement.

  2. The Critical Movie Critics

    May 18, 2012 @ 10:30 am Adam Rich

    Words can do Battleship no justice. It deserves every pile of shit you can throw at it.

  3. The Critical Movie Critics

    May 18, 2012 @ 4:06 pm Felix

    This is like Auschwitz bad.

  4. The Critical Movie Critics

    May 19, 2012 @ 3:20 pm Winther

    CGI is kinda cool, but that about sums up any reason to see this. Plot is just as bad as the acting.

  5. The Critical Movie Critics

    May 19, 2012 @ 4:11 pm Blood Drop

    Couldn’t agree more, General – let’s hope conquering aliens are as bewilderingly stupid as the ones in this movie.

  6. The Critical Movie Critics

    May 19, 2012 @ 4:58 pm GrassyMan

    I’m impressed they managed to incorporate some elements of the board game into the movie. Highlights how incompetent the aliens were at taking a position but still a cool nod nonetheless.

  7. The Critical Movie Critics

    May 19, 2012 @ 6:14 pm Pessimistic Optimist

    Even Brooklyn Decker going full frontal couldn’t have saved this sinking ship.

  8. The Critical Movie Critics

    May 20, 2012 @ 8:01 am Paul

    If you watch Battleship like it’s a B-grade comedy, it’s quite entertaining!

  9. The Critical Movie Critics

    May 20, 2012 @ 1:55 pm CJ

    Was there a point to this abhorrence?

  10. The Critical Movie Critics

    May 27, 2012 @ 6:09 pm Mariusz Zubrowski

    I liked it. The action scenes were decently entertaining. Could’ve done without the first 40 minutes though …

  11. The Critical Movie Critics

    May 28, 2012 @ 9:11 pm General Disdain

    @ Felix –

    I don’t think anything is “Auschwitz bad.”

    @ Pessimistic Optimist –

    She probably could have.

    @ CJ –

    Yes – to make money. Which by the way, it is doing.

    @ Mariusz –

    You feeling okay? :)

  12. The Critical Movie Critics

    July 9, 2012 @ 11:12 am Defon Ninety-Five

    This movie makes me long for the time when alien invasion movies actually meant something, when they actually made you think. We need a movie like H.G. Wells’ “War of the Worlds.”

  13. The Critical Movie Critics

    August 5, 2012 @ 3:38 pm frantheman

    Did it ever occur to you that maybe these aliens weren’t there to conquer? Maybe they were scientists/engineers checking out a new planet in the similar manner that humans are taking samples from the surface of Mars…

    • The Critical Movie Critics

      September 20, 2012 @ 3:37 pm General Disdain

      Can’t say I did. It’s an interesting concept and would explain the stupidity exhibited by the aliens.

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