With a moment to kill, I sat back with a cold Yuengling, a box of Wheat Thins and a jar of peanut butter and watched the latest Wayans brothers offering: Scary Movie 4. Now as always I try and be fair and watch all movies with an open mind — no preconceived notions here. There is of course always a first. I knew this movie had to suck horse dick. Dirty horse dick.
There’s an obvious reason for this. There just isn’t a goddamned thing out to lampoon effectively. Let’s see, Scary Movie 4 pokes fun at — “War of the Worlds,” “Brokeback Mountain,” “The Village,” “Saw” and “The Grudge.” Oh yeah, let’s not forget the fucking ridiculousness of Tom Cruise too, which by the way, is 500x funnier in real life than having some hack do an over-the-top impersonation.
Let’s get back on track though. In terms of the other movies, there are maybe (counting on hand, be patient), five or six funny parodies. Carmen Electra as the blind bitch, is an instant classic — but any shit / fart combination coming out of an extremely hot lady is funny (see Jenny McCarthy). Poor Leslie Nielson has fallen so far from grace. He really needs to stop making a complete asshole of himself and just bury himself in a hole already. And that poor girl, Anna Faris, really needs to find something else to do too. For fucks sake, she has become the most annoying broad on the planet. Honestly, the only other funny part that comes to mind in Scary Movie 4 is over within the first four minutes. The “Saw” scene with Shaq and “Dr.” Phil is comedy genius.
There can be no discussion on this — the “Scary Movie” franchise has lost it’s steam and is now just an empty ice cream carton to a fat man. Useless. Amazingly enough it is the number one movie at the box office, which can tell use one of two things. Either American movie goers are dumber than NASCAR fans or American movie goers are desperate for something to see in theaters and Scary Movie 4 is the only thing that even resembles a movie. Personally, I vote for the first choice. Americans are dumb as Nicole Richie and I hate myself.