Why, oh why, do I do this to myself? I must be a glutton for punishment as that’s really the only way to explain my reasoning to watch the remake of The Amityville Horror.
Where should I begin. I knew this movie had to suck ass before my wife and I sat down to watch it. The original sucked ass. Hell, the “true story” it is based on is full of shit too! Anyways, with a bowl of popcorn and a frothy mug of beer, we sat and prepared to be slapped in the face.
And guess what? Hollywood didn’t disappoint! Fuck, they didn’t even try and make a good movie! Oh the horrors! This movie is just full of the stupidest plot revelations ever conceived. They quite literally made no sense. Why would a mother (living with a fiancé) allow the fiancé to act brutal towards her children? Why would a mother, after seeing her daughter walking on the peak of a house because her invisible friend told her to, stay in the house or at a minimum not seek counseling? Why would the family stay in a house where their babysitter has a nervous breakdown, babbling about dead people? Why after finding out that a family has been murdered in the house, didn’t the family do a tiny speck of investigative work to find out what the fuck happened? Why . . . you get the idea. There are literally 100 fucking no-brainers, that the people in this film can’t figure out or refuse to.
The good things about The Amityville Horror you ask? Well there are two. One, the movie is only 90 minutes long. Could you image if it were longer? Two, the gothic, freaky scenes are kinda cool. Woulda been cooler if they delved a bit deeper into the past of the house, though.
Overall, I can honestly say this movie was a pain to watch. We found ourselves looking at each other and laughing at the pure stupidity of everyone in the movie. We actually wished these people would be killed. Put them out of ours and their misery! Stupid people like this should not exist.
Ratings for The Amityville Horror? The only horror you will experience will be from watching this movie, so this should be no surprise.