The Amityville Horror (2005) by The Critical Movie Critics

Movie Review: The Amityville Horror (2005)

Why, oh why, do I do this to myself? I must be a glutton for punishment as that’s really the only way to explain my reasoning to watch the remake of The Amityville Horror.

Where should I begin. I knew this movie had to suck ass before my wife and I sat down to watch it. The original sucked ass. Hell, the “true story” it is based on is full of shit too! Anyways, with a bowl of popcorn and a frothy mug of beer, we sat and prepared to be slapped in the face.

And guess what? Hollywood didn’t disappoint! Fuck, they didn’t even try and make a good movie! Oh the horrors! This movie is just full of the stupidest plot revelations ever conceived. They quite literally made no sense. Why would a mother (living with a fiancĂ©) allow the fiancĂ© to act brutal towards her children? Why would a mother, after seeing her daughter walking on the peak of a house because her invisible friend told her to, stay in the house or at a minimum not seek counseling? Why would the family stay in a house where their babysitter has a nervous breakdown, babbling about dead people? Why after finding out that a family has been murdered in the house, didn’t the family do a tiny speck of investigative work to find out what the fuck happened? Why . . . you get the idea. There are literally 100 fucking no-brainers, that the people in this film can’t figure out or refuse to.

The good things about The Amityville Horror you ask? Well there are two. One, the movie is only 90 minutes long. Could you image if it were longer? Two, the gothic, freaky scenes are kinda cool. Woulda been cooler if they delved a bit deeper into the past of the house, though.

Overall, I can honestly say this movie was a pain to watch. We found ourselves looking at each other and laughing at the pure stupidity of everyone in the movie. We actually wished these people would be killed. Put them out of ours and their misery! Stupid people like this should not exist.

Ratings for The Amityville Horror? The only horror you will experience will be from watching this movie, so this should be no surprise.

Critical Movie Critic Rating:
1 Star Rating: Stay Away


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The Critical Movie Critics

I'm an old, miserable fart set in his ways. Some of the things that bring a smile to my face are (in no particular order): Teenage back acne, the rain on my face, long walks on the beach and redneck women named Francis. Oh yeah, I like to watch and criticize movies.

'Movie Review: The Amityville Horror (2005)' has 1 comment

  1. The Critical Movie Critics

    June 12, 2005 @ 10:17 am Tamarind Curry

    How could you screw up a movie with a big haunted house, scary little kids, and possessions? Apparently there is a way with The Amityville Horror. This movie will stretch a story till it bleeds, grabbing for every cheap effect, jolting thrill, or fabricated story line till all your left with is a bunch of semi-scarey moments.
    Once again Hollywood has jumped on the bandwagon with adding “scary” little girls in horror movies and pumping them out by the dozen. For some reason this trend for scary little girls from The Ring, Grudge etc seems to continue.
    When exactly did Hollywood get the idea that ghosts are really scary when they shake their faces really fast and become a blur? It seems like every ghost movie I’ve seen for the past few years has ghosts shaking their faces really fast. Did this come from “The Ring?” It looks like if Superman or the Flash had a seizure. This stupid movie is no exception.
    The other thing I hate about modern “horror” movies like this is the strobe light super fast cut scenes. You know what I mean? It’s like we get a bunch of dark movie shots, quickly interrupted by bright scenes of gore, and this is supposed to be scary. The scenes are usually all over the place and it’s hard to keep track of what’s going on. Add the fact that most in this movie were dream sequences and you get one big incoherrent mess.
    The only time I actually got real perky was when the babysitter walked into the house, wish my babysitter was as hot as her. This movie is another saturated horror flick from Holloywood with a watered down storyline which is not worth wasting your 90 minutes of your life.
    I rate this movie a F.

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