Movie Review: Diamond Heist (2013)

If a scathing review isn’t enough to steer a viewer away from watching tripe like Diamond Heist (or “Magic Boys,” depending on what Google search results tell you), then perhaps the very idea of Michael Madsen (“Loosies”) as a former Chippendale dancer will act as the clearest warning. Seriously. Just picture Michael Madsen. Then picture the “Magic Mike” version. It’s an image that doesn’t really compute, but perhaps directors Róbert Koltai and Éva Gárdos were just happy to get a semi-famous actor to sign on to their junky flick. Whatever the reason for such a crumby collision of actor and role, there’s little to say about Diamond Heist beyond acknowledging that head-scratcher.

I’ll try my best anyway.

Well, for one, it’s bad. Really bad. Not fun bad, either, or even weird bad, just bland bad. For a movie that mixes gangsters and diamond smuggling with glitzy male strippers, there’s a surprisingly boring plot that’s boringly followed. The screenplay, credited to Koltai, Ivo Marloh, and Dénes Orosz with additional “story” credits going to Csaba Pindroch and Zoltan Furedi, attempts to toy with mistaken identities and shifting allegiances, but all these five can come up with is a meandering mess that’s hardly worthy of a simple synopsis.

There are diamonds involved and a gangster named Jack Varga (Vinnie Jones, “Escape Plan,” as dully Vinnie Jones-ish as ever), Madsen’s hotel-dwelling birthday boy looking to book a couple male dancers for his upcoming party, a beautiful pilot (Jamelia) who catches the attention of a few men, including a Hungarian nobody who convinces his buddy to pose as somebodies and take a trip to London, unaware that they’re replacing a pair of displaced exotic dancers.

Okay, that’s as good a synopsis as I can muster. There’s simply nothing more that needs to be said or understood, because if anyone can find any convincing reason to actually watch Diamond Heist, it surely will have nothing to do with the story. There must be a Michael Madsen fan club out there somewhere that will lap this stuff up, right?

The characters here are all blandly unlikable, partially because the acting stinks, partially because the script is so lame, but mainly because the movie can’t be bothered to make these people more than simple pawns in a tediously dull game of narrative clichés and bad ideas.

A generic visual scheme and completely forgettable music drain the picture of any potential to transcend its poor script, so there’s little to experience here beyond crushing boredom. This is just one of those bad movies that feels like it barely tries and what little trying is visible simply serves to highlight how unimaginative the proceedings are.

There’s likely some potential in the core conceit of a bunch of people mixed up together in the crossover of two very different professions, but whatever Koltai and Gárdos are aiming for here, the potential isn’t remotely reached. Or perhaps I’m overestimating the directing duo’s desires. At the very least, Diamond Heist gives Michael Madsen fans something to watch and everyone else something to gripe about.