Scary Movie 5 (2013) by The Critical Movie Critics

Movie Review: Scary Movie 5 (2013)

Scary Movie 5 (2013) by The Critical Movie Critics

Readying for a tongue slice.

A character in the fifth installment of the “Scary Movie” franchise utters the line, “Wow, there are so many pans.” He doesn’t know the half of it, since almost every critic worth his or her salt has seemingly panned this film with wild abandon. Plotless, pointless and with little redeeming value, Scary Movie 5 will hopefully put a final nail in the coffin of this series which began in 2000 with such comedic promise.

Well-worn and successively awful sequels, however, doomed the enterprise until we’ve ended up with this dismal, disjointed, disappointing and — surprisingly — dull fifth edition. It follows in line with the “fire a shotgun at a target, and trust a few pellets will hit true enough” methodology that’s worked before with “Airplane!,” and “The Naked Gun,” but failed with others such as “Date Movie” and “Epic Movie.”

The difference here is there are 20 shotguns fired by screenwriting veterans David Zucker and Pat Proft and only one or two pellets hit ANYTHING at all. The series of vignettes that purport to parody any number of recent horror movies instead veers off course to the point where non-horror pictures such as “Inception,” “Black Swan” and “127 Hours” are thrown into the mix and fast-motion camera work substitutes for any real cleverness (although it does work in the very beginning with Charlie Sheen and Lindsay Lohan to the tune of “The Benny Hill Show” theme).

Since there’s no real plot, it does no good to go into much expository explanation, but Scary Movie 5 borrows from the likes of “Paranormal Activity,” “The Cabin in the Woods,” “Mama,” “Rise of the Planet of the Apes,” “The Ring,” “The Grudge” and “Evil Dead” — all of which are infinitely more hilarious than this spoof. Gore, soft-core sexual scenes and foul language throughout also add up to a miserable time at the cinema, pushing the PG-13 rating to the limit. Then, to titillate the 12-year old boys in the audience and as a bone to the lowest common denominator, there’s the obligatory bathroom humor.

Directed by Malcolm Lee (“Welcome Home Roscoe Jenkins” — although Malcolm X could have done a much better job) and starring a host of “C” list celebrities, including Ashley Tisdale, Snoop Dogg, Katt Williams, Molly Shannon, Terry Crews, Simon Rex, Jerry O’Connell, Sarah Hyland, Katrina Bowden, Darrell Hammond, Tyler Posey, Heather Locklear, Kate Walsh
and Mike Tyson (who punches a guy out, how novel), I defy the viewer — unless one is severely brain-damaged or is under 10 years of age — to get five good laughs out of this production.

Of course, those who giggle at overweight Latina housekeepers sleeping with vacuum cleaners, enjoy watching pool-cleaning devices having sex (yep), like to see little kids get knocked around and abused, think Katt Williams is funny, as well as those who think Ashley Tisdale can actually act (I’ve never missed Anna Farris more in my life), will no doubt love Scary Movie 5. Everyone else in the free world will hope and pray that this genre will have finally run its course.

Critical Movie Critic Rating:
1 Star Rating: Stay Away


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The Critical Movie Critics

I have been a movie fan for most of my life and a film critic since 1986 (my first published review was for "Platoon"). Since that time I have written for several news and entertainment publications in California, Utah and Idaho. Big fan of the Academy Awards - but wish it would go back to the five-minute dinner it was in May, 1929. A former member of the San Diego Film Critics Society and current co-host of "The Movie Guys," each Sunday afternoon on KOGO AM 600 in San Diego with Kevin Finnerty.

'Movie Review: Scary Movie 5 (2013)' have 7 comments

  1. The Critical Movie Critics

    April 15, 2013 @ 1:00 pm Bowner

    There is but one redeeming quality to this. It is better than “A Haunted House”.

  2. The Critical Movie Critics

    April 15, 2013 @ 1:38 pm wonderbra

    An absolute laughfest!

  3. The Critical Movie Critics

    April 15, 2013 @ 3:15 pm Aspie182

    So when can we expect #6?

  4. The Critical Movie Critics

    April 15, 2013 @ 5:51 pm Foxxxy

    Bad does not even begin to describe

  5. The Critical Movie Critics

    April 15, 2013 @ 11:29 pm SickOfStupidity

    This isn’t even worth an illegal download.

  6. The Critical Movie Critics

    April 16, 2013 @ 3:44 pm Dev

    Its funny that you mention it – my 10 year old son laughed his ass off. I cried.

  7. The Critical Movie Critics

    April 24, 2013 @ 5:50 am Redjester

    This is the absolute worst movie made in the last 10 years.

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